Bush Mobilizes Salvation Army

With the United States military facing extended stays in Afghanistan and Iraq, and facing a recruiting crisis of epic proportions, President Bush today announced the shocking decision to mobilize the Salvation Army. It is expected that the first Salvation Army units will be deployed to Tikrit within the week.

President Bush announced the unprecedented decision last night during a prime-time, live, televised news conference. "The U.S. Constitution makes the President the commander in chief of the army. I am responsible for every branch of the military. The Salvation Army is clearly just that, an army." White House Press Secretary Tony Snow added "The President did not take this decision lightly. He sought the legal advice of his top legal experts, including Alberto Gonzalez and John Yoo. They steered him right on Guantanemo and we are confident that they have steered him right again."

The Salvation Army is an international relief organization best known for providing disaster relief, alcohol and drug counseling, and soliciting charity from men and women dressed as Santa Claus during the Christmas season. It is one of the best known and longest serving Christian organization. Commissioner Israel L. Gaither, National Commander of the Salvation Army was reached for comment early this morning. "I learned about this development this morning while I was at a conference about Katrina. Obviously when the shock wears off we will do what we can to support this President."


Not all Salvation Army "Soldiers," as volunteers are called, were excited about the proposition of serving in Iraq. "I know we are soldiers, but I think the President got confused on this one," said 52 year old Salvation Army Volunteer Jon Swanson. "I mean I know we are called soldiers and all, but I thought I was signing up to be a soldier of god. I never expected to get deployed." that view was echoed by 37 year old mother of two Martha Gibson "I am much more comfortable with a bell in my hand than an AK-47."

Stuart Matheson, a 23 year old Salvation Army "soldier" from Flint Michigan was

excited about the opportunity to be deployed and serve his country overseas.

"I have always wanted to serve in the military but my deeply held religious beliefs and poor eyesight prevented me in the past. I tried to serve last year with the Reserves, but it didn't work out. I am just glad the President gave me a second chance."

It is unclear whether this is an expansion of the military offensive
in Iraq or if the deployment of the Salvation Army means
members of the National guard currently in Iraq will be coming
home. The only thing that is certain is that Christmas time
will sure be different this year.